Well, there’s more to the sign, of course, but that’s what I saw: A brick wall and a big red “NO” staring me straight in the face. It was like looking in a fucking mirror. I sat there for entirely too long, just staring at it. Finally, I shook myself free of it, got out of the car, snapped a picture, and resumed my activities.
Still, that image has been with me since early this morning. Now that I’m home… and before I get swept up in my work… I wanted to give voice to some of these thoughts.
When things feel too good, or when they feel too bad, or when they just feel …feel too anything… I cope by trivializing or minimizing. I cope by doing my level best to NOT feel at all. I’m not a stupid person. I know this is a self-defense mechanism. It’s kept me vertical, kept me from dissolving back into the primordial soup from whence I sprang. It’s kept me from killing someone else or killing myself. It’s allowed me to be a productive member of society. It has served its purpose(s) but at what cost?
It’s incredibly difficult for me to shut down my brain – to permit myself to feel, and to just be in a moment.
It doesn’t feel safe to be alone… just me and the feelings. I need to bring along my schedule, my task list, what I could be doing, what I should be doing, my rolodex of people. Lots of mental crap. Some of it is legitimate: there are people who depend on me and I must be available to them… but most of it is just bullshit.
I guess I figure -as long as I am attending to that shit – I won’t need to deal with what’s right in front of me. Or who is standing right in front of me. Yesterday, I really struggled with even acknowledging (to myself) who was standing just inches from me.
I need to work on this.
I need to be more present in my own life.