Real life

Self-Subjugation

Today should be a fun day – a bit of a departure for me as I’ll do little work. I should do work… I need to do some work… but I’m going to try my best to limit it today. I’m heading out now for some errands and then the fun begins.

I have lunch with T… yipee.  We haven’t had a chance to sit down together alone in ages.  When we are together, I always feel like we have an audience. Well, to be fair… you take her and then you add me? Of course there’s an audience… neither of us could be called a shrinking violet. We’re definitely on the other side of the continuum.

I’m looking forward to that lunch. The fact that it’s at a place called BJ’s still tickles the sensibilities of my inner tween. What can I say?

Then… more errands… and then? Well, then I’m taking some necessary steps towards inclusion in a power exchange relationship. While I don’t plan on writing about particulars of that relationship (as in… you won’t get the nitty gritty details of the behind-the-doors stuff unless He tells me to share them), I do plan on writing about the process from my perspective. Let’s face it, those who know me irl would probably say I’m more alpha-male than submissive. In this process, I may very well find that I am both Domme and sub… who can say?

This is not happening to me. I am making a choice. For some reason, I feel that I must make that explicit. I’ve been in a submissive role in my life previously with a complete lack of safety and sanity and disastrous results. The keys here are exchange and consent. That, my dear virtual friends, that makes all the difference. X took my autonomy… that’s different.  In this relationship, I will still have free will…I am choosing to not exercise that in most arenas of my life. I am subjugating myself . I just flashed to the movie, “Pretty Woman” and Vivian proclaiming… “I say who, I say when!

This is a choice… born in feeling and processed by thought – serious thought. This is an opportunity to develop as a human being in an altogether different way. This is a relationship with someone who is trustworthy… someone Maslow would likely want to have lunch with… Yes (with a nod to my undergrad mentor), I plan on self-actualizing all over myself.

It hasn’t been that long since I said that I didn’t yet have a slave’s heart. I still struggle with the term slave. Let’s face it, it has connotations for all of us. I don’t think that calling it indentured servitude or bonded slavery would help me stomach it much more, either. The concept is foreign to me… and yet… when I feel with my heart rather than thinking with my brain? It feels far from foreign… it feels downright necessary.

I’m not suggesting that we all stop thinking, mind you. Far from it. When I stopped thinking long enough to feel… it seemed right. Once I gave that feeling voice, I resumed thinking for chrissake. And part of that thinking will continue today as I process who I am, what I have to offer, and what it is I expect to receive from this relationship.  It’s hard to wrap your head around, to be sure, but I plan on writing about it because of that very reason; it will help me to process it and it might help someone else understand it.

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