i miss the certainty of god… agnosticism is not a comforting belief system when you are a person who always wants to know things. There was a time when i knew – or at least thought i knew – that god was in his heaven and all was right with the world… that i’d spend an eternity in heaven if i played my cards right and all the evil people would be banished to hell.
Neat. Tidy. Easy.
i abandoned that certainty over time… due in part to life… just life… and largely in response to my confusion over the godhead himself. i was raised with the god-as-father model of Christianity. When you’ve got a daddy like mine… the idea of a “heavenly” father isn’t comforting, really.
From time-to-time, i consider the god issue and then i generally put it back on the shelf. There are times when prayers still come to my lips, but never with the confidence that those prayers are landing anywhere. i’ve never made the leap to being atheist, as that requires a certainty i simply do not have, so here i am… still agnostic.
Tonight i had the occasion to spend some time with folks who all hold a certain belief in a higher power. There was a time when i would have just faked it – that’s easy enough when you know all the lingo… but i didn’t do that tonight.
i’ve been tasked with creating my GOD or defining my GOD… at first, i thought i’d call this GOD “Samantha” or maybe “Reginald”… but i think i’ll take the advice of M&L… and just call my ‘god’, GOD. i know that my GOD isn’t the one-dimensional one on the bumper stickers, the front of tracts, or the inside of Helen Steiner Rice greeting cards. Calling this ‘higher power’ GOD simply permits language to flow more readily between me and those i’ll interact with. The GOD is required only inasmuch as any god is required… a simple belief that there is something ‘greater’ than me in the universe. Since the world existed before me and it will exist after me… i do believe that there is something ‘greater’ than me.
i get to decide what GOD is to me. Let’s face it, most of us do that … if we’re honest… whatever we think is good and right? We tend to project that onto our deity of choice. If we think that men should be in charge? No surprise, our God seems to support that. If we think that white folks should rule the world… imagine that… suddenly our scriptures are translated to support that. Believe in manifest destiny? Yup, you guessed it… God’s all about that.
So, now i get to start gathering up the qualities that i consider to be the best… the most godlike… the most pure elements of love and life.
i remember when my school (a conservative Christian one) had students bring in satanic music to be destroyed on stage… and this song (below) made that cut. They seemed to miss the mark, i always thought, when the message seems to be such a beautiful one. What kind of world could we have if we lived in love with no promise of eternal bliss and no threat of damnation?
So… GOD… the GOD of waw? I feel like I’m heading off to a build-a-bear workshop…. Let me get started, then…