i recently had the opportunity to walk hand-in-hand for a time. i hadn’t done so in years… yes, years. What strikes me as so odd is that i didn’t realize that it had been so long… it didn’t really occur to me that i had stopped doing such things… until i was doing it again.
Walking around, with no real purpose other than enjoying the day… i suddenly realized how much i missed that sort of thing. It was simple. It was real.
i found measuring spoons, spoke briefly with a woman with silver gray braids down to her waist, and i saw gallon jugs of tabasco sauce… three different varieties of it, to be precise. That’s a helluva lot of pepper sauce. The morning was just simply nice… and i’m not sure when i got the idea that there was anything wrong with nice.
i’ve been so very guarded during the last period of my life – so intent on avoiding any trappings of relationships, or real intimacy. i’m not sure where i got the idea that i had to have ONE or the OTHER… that i can have intimacy or i can have autonomy, but not both. Well, truth be told, i have a fairly good idea of where i got the notion. But i’ve tired of it. Time to write a new script.
i can (she says to herself with conviction) have emotional connections with other people and sexual interactions and still be free to live my life authentically… retain my identity… enjoy my fucking life!
i’m going to give it a chance – i shouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying my life.