Music / Real life

Trying to live just one life

healthyintegrationi’m having some issues with integration…integration of self, that is.

i’ve been unpacking my baggage… going about the business of choosing what is still serviceable to me, what no longer fits, and taking a hard look at the things i’ve only kept around because they are fashionable to other people.

i am enjoying the creative aspect of this. i like deciding what feels right to me and what doesn’t. There is a feeling of empowerment when i can honestly assess the people and tasks and things in my life and say (with meaning):

Yes

No

Hello

Goodbye

or even just  Fuck it... i refuse to drink your Kool Aid

Ah, but i’m finding it more and more difficult to figure out how to put everything back.

It just doesn’t seem to fit back together quite right.

Sure, i’m ridding my life of lots of extraneous bullshit. Some of it is actually dangerous to my health and wellness…  but the pieces that are left are giving me some grief.  Just like those screws and whatchamacallits laying about the livingroom after the assembly of an Ikea bookshelf, i’m left to wonder… WTF is this shit? Where does it go? Do i need it? Is the whole contraption going to fall to pieces without this doohickey?

When i start to feel as if i’ve got a handle on one aspect of my life, i seem to lose control of the others. When my role in one arena seems to be solidified and comfortable, i step into another place and feel oddly out of sync. It’s like herding ferrets for chrissake.

i’m trying to see the positive in this stage of my development. There is progress and even if there never will be perfection… there is intent… i am making purposeful decisions. i may be driving rather erratically these days, but at least i’m not simply a passenger any longer.

Pink’s Split Personality

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