We all cast shadows and sometimes it is the shadows – rather than us – that people see. As i mark the anniversary of my collaring to Belum, i am reflecting on me… and Him… and the relationship that has grown over this past year of service.
i’m a talker, so i could easily devote a small book’s worth of praise to Sir for His movements in my life this past year. I could write a short story about my own personal development under His collar. Instead, i would like to talk about the most profound gift He has given me… one He continues to give me…
my authentic self.
This is a continuing lesson for me, but i am over-the-moon happy with this change in my life… this shift to living a life with less drama, more purpose, less passive-aggressive bullshit, and more joy- just joy – in the moments of life that i used to rush through.
i was recently “turned on” to the music of Lindsey Stirling by a fet friend. As i watched this video (below) the other day, i was struck by the shadow aspect. Mid-song, her shadow begins to do its own thing and then – stranger still – she catches sight of her shadow and begins to match her movements to those of her shadow.
i spent so much of my first 45 years focused on my goddamn shadow… worried about what figure i cast, what it was that people saw, and what meaning they attached to me or my actions. What i should have been focused on was me… what i was doing and experiencing, and what i felt and thought. Watching Lindsey start to match steps to her shadow was at first amusing and then… just sad. i spent far too much of my life trying to figure out what people wanted to see and then trying to match my steps to their expectations. i spent years affecting… faking… being a shadow person.
i’m not beating myself up, here, simply taking stock of my self. i like this process of being in my own skin and my own mind and my own “soul” and of being attentive to what is important to me and the people i love. i like that i am learning to see other people rather than getting sidetracked watching their shadows.
i take a certain delight in the portions of this video where she and her shadow dance entirely separate from one another… it is, after all, REALITY. Once we cast that shadow, we have no control over what people make of it.
Thank You Sir… for helping me separate from my shadow… the dance is getting more joyous with each step.
Lindsey Stirling’s “Shadows”
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