i found a good therapist… strange enough to hold my interest… with a personality that is sufficient to engage with me. Ah, but i do find it challenging… i have to resist the urge to spar with him… to battle him. i often feel almost compelled to do so – it would be fun but not productive.
The sessions with him make me truly aware of how strong a personality i am. Perhaps i could learn more from people if i weren’t so strong-willed. Still, i like my strength, but when it overpowers others’ opinions or suggestions, it isn’t a good thing.
This is a tough one.
How do i keep the parts of me are useful, and release the parts that are crippling me? i’ve asked this question before. It’s a reoccurring theme… damn… self-reflexivity isn’t a sprint, is it?
i smile at D occasionally because he will say something that reminds me of Master. It is good that we (me, Master, D) are all on the same page in terms of my growth. It is easier to be sure. It is goodness that D understands and respects the role Master plays in my life.
i could easily spend more time in session – go with more frequency – but it’s also good to have some time in between to process.
D is smart and i respect that. He is sexy, but i can set that aside. He’s insightful, and that’s a good thing but it also makes me slightly nervous. The mirror he places in front of me? It doesn’t always hold the most flattering image and i find myself sometimes wishing i could manage him like i manage many other people. Sometimes i’m more than a bit afraid of what he’s going to help me discover about myself. Today, we talked about my planned rope scene and my fear and sadness when i’m forced to spend a lot of time inside myself. And we talked about my interactions with people… including him.
Today, he told me that i make a lot of assumptions about people and their motives.
He followed that with a statement that my assumptions might be right sometimes but not always.
He said i should “check in with people” more often.
And as i left, i inquired about the sad stems sticking out of a pot of dirt.
The plant, said he, is not just dying on the windowsill. “It provides tension”, he said
“So it is a test?” i asked.
Not a test, he clarified… TENSION… not all tension is a test, he added.
Listen to Your Heart (DHT featuring Edmee)