Music / Real life

hold my hand

i’m driving into the parking garage at work… behind a long line of cars… slowly snaking up levels in search of the elusive sweet parking spots. At some point, with my elbow balanced on the car door handle, i begin to absentmindedly stroke my cheek.

Within seconds, i’m thinking how it feels when His controlled slap lands there and i’m aching with that remembrance while Il Divo swells into their rendition of “Somewhere”

There’s a place for us
Somewhere a place for us
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us somewhere

Suddenly, tears are streaming. i have found a spot and pull in just in time to fall quickly apart. i’m coming unglued. my heart rate quickens and i find myself looking around me. Nobody is there… save other folks parking and carrying briefcases and pulling rolling carts behind them. i’m in no danger but damned if my body knows this… my heart hasn’t got the memo. WTF?

After a moment or two, i realize where my brain has gone… more than two decades have passed since then.  i’m back in a hotel room …surrounded by my Ex’s Navy colleagues. It’s his Commanding Officer’s hotel room and we’re at a training conference for the recruiting district.

And the men are gathered in a cluster pouring Jack or Jose or something… i cannot recall what. The navy wives are scattered about, one perched on a credenza, one in the chair by the table and i’m sitting on the edge of the bed.

There’s a time for us
Some day a time for us

Time together and time to spare
Time to learn, time to care

What was it i said that angered him so? i do not recall, but it matters not. Nothing i could have said would justify my husband’s reaction. Nothing prepared me for the speed and force of the single strike from the back of his hand that knocked me off the bed and onto my knees on the ugly carpet… while they all bore silent witness. Nobody moved to intervene.

 Some day, somewhere
We’ll find a new way of living
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere…

The rest of it is jumbled… just the sad remains of the day. i recall the dress i was wearing, how my long hair was pulled back, but i remember that only because i have a photo taken earlier that evening but – of course – no photos of the rest.  No photos exist of my swollen cheek and darkened eye… no pictorial testament to the stream of navy wives who visited me after i retreated to our hotel room… all of them making sure i didn’t call anyone. No picture of the young recruiter, dispatched to chat with me and to make certain no cops were being called.

There’s a place for us
Somewhere a place for us
Time together and time to spare
Time to learn, time to care

He was the kindest of the visitors, i thought initially, until he sat too close to me and softly told me that he would treat me far better than my husband did… if i was just his. i was repulsed by his advances and his eagerness to feed of the misfortune of others. i recall seeing him out… and trying to sleep but being fearful of my husband’s return to the room.

 Some day, somewhere
We’ll find a new way of living
We’ll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere…

And so i sit in the garage and am shaken to my core. It takes me quite awhile to feel like i can exit my car. i do not feel safe. i can’t understand how that memory found me on this day and why. i message Master… i’m feeling queasy and emotionally exhausted.  He reminds me to breath, that i am here, that i am now.  i make it to the elevators and stop the tears in time to get a reminder from Him that i am safe. i thank Him… i tell Him i’ll blog to release the feelings.

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
Somehow, some day
Somewhere

And later… now… at my desk as i listen to the chatter of a nearby meeting and pour my thoughts onto a computer screen, i marvel at how different two hands can be… how different two men can be…how different my life is now.

i am here… somewhere

i am now… some day

i am safe… somehow

Il Divo Live “Somewhere”

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