Real life

Yellow-bellied bat

stop_figureHe leaned in… the smile leaving his face altogether and his eyes going seriously cold. He said simply “Stop… or Yellow, Red… do you know what they mean? Can you say them?”

He made me say them, then. i felt like i was back in kindergarten.

Those of us who play in formal settings… at clubs, in dungeons, in public and semi-private spaces… we know the drill. We know what the safewords mean and we understand the importance.

He and i had never played before. i’d watched him play with others and he knows my Master. We’d also engaged in nice banter online and discussed our boundaries for scenes via private messages on Fet.

No surprises.

It was important to him… clearly important from his tone and affect… that i not only understood that he would respect me and my use of a safeword, but that he could trust that i would use the damn things if they were needed.

i told him that i would. i assured him that i would.

He reiterated…. Nothing was going to happen unless i was on board, nothing would continue if i wasn’t still on board all along the way, and i’d better use the words if i needed the words.

i assured him again that i would. i know all too well how hard it is to use them, to feel like you are tapping out too soon but i also know that it is important to know my body and, well, that body belongs to Master. i know that there’d be hell to pay if i didn’t respect myself; i’d be sorry if i didn’t respect his property.

We scened – it was pretty intense. There was electrical play like none i’ve had before (He’s got some toys that are antique and wicked as shit). There were knives and a machete and there were whips. i “yellow-ed” three times that i can recall and each time he slipped in close… toy or tool at rest… to ascertain what was happening… to ask a question… before he shifted to another spot or simply let me catch my breath… before resuming play.

When the scene ended, it was because he felt it was time. i’d had enough, he surmised. i was surprised when he made that call because i felt as if i could have gone longer but i respected his decision and after -as i settled into the fog and then came out of it – i thought his choice was probably a good one.

So, why this? Why write about this?

traffic light clear backgroundBecause while i respected my physical limitations and while he made me feel no shame in trotting out a yellow… and another… and another… there were others who did make me feel wonky.

i feel like i should pause her for a moment to say that i’m not butthurt over this, nor do i believe that anyone intentionally said anything to hurt me. i was surrounded by loving, caring people with whom i share a healthy dose of respect.

But not from one, or two, but three separate people (nearly a quarter of the people present, actually) … i got a light teasing about yellow-ing out. Was it good-natured ribbing? i think that’s likely how it was intended. Was it malicious? i didn’t get that sense at all. i couldn’t help but think, though, that we do a real disservice to each other as bottoms/subs/slaves when we tease each other about that sort of thing.

my sense of self is not completely wrapped up in the perceptions of others, but i still care what people think far more often than i probably should. i’m lucky to have a Master that nurtures my growth as an individual… a Master that encourages me to set healthy boundaries. He expects His slave to maintain – and demand that others respect – those boundaries.

Not everyone has that sense of self.

A top in a scene can hope that their bottom uses safewords when appropriate. They can demand it, even. The likelihood that a bottom will actually code out? Sadly, that is seriously diminished when they know that’s going to be met with derision of any sort from their peers.

i coded – i didn’t like doing it. i never do like to do it. Ah, but i’m not the least bit ashamed that i did. Twice was simply because of the pain; i was experiencing some new “toys” and the area they were being applied to was new as well… and i had to seriously pull back and do a body-check to see where i was. The other time i coded was because i was having trouble catching my breath. No, i do not think that anyone needs to hear a justification for me shouting/growling/moaning “Yellow!” but i’m making the point that it was a GOOD choice for me to make.

Our tops need to be able to trust us. How horrible for them if they do harm to one of us because we feel like we have to push past what feels right or safe in order to be “suzee the super sub” or some variant of it.

Let’s cut ourselves some slack, m’kay? And If i’ve been guilty of doing this to any of you? If i’ve ever teased you about whipping out a safeword? i sincerely apologize.

Proud to be yellow… when yellow is what i should be


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