Master prefers that i self-pleasure (rather than “masturbate”). Perhaps that is merely semantics for some folks, but i get it.So… i wonder what buddha might have fantasized about or if he did. Was he so in the moment that he simply could experience his body and not lay any manner of fantasy over that experience?Yesterday i attempted to nap at one point… and decided i needed a little time with myself instead. The house was devoid of other humans… i didn’t have to worry about making noise… nice, that.
And i experienced somewhat of a cathartic orgasm.
i drifted into thoughts that were specific… i brought someone into my mind… hello… and journeyed on. Then? in the midst of a phenomenal orgasm… a raising off the bed sort of orgasm… mid-writhing, my moans of pleasure mingled with gut-wrenching sobs. i did not want to stop and yet my mind raced in one direction as my fingers continued their exploration.
It seemed like an eternity – those moments often do – though i’m certain mere minutes transpired. i came… i wept… i came… i wept… and then? my mouth released what my subconscious mind was clinging to and i heard my own voice ask a single question to my visitor. Ah… there i had it. i wished something to be other than what it was… suffering… suffering… suffering.
i spoke to my therapist about it later in the day. Intellectually, i get it but once i’ve discovered that i’m suffering so… once i’ve ferreted out the reason for the angst, then what? How do i let that go? i have no desire to stop wanting things. i do not mind that i’m hedonistic at all… i dig pleasure. So how do i balance those wants with my needs and then figure out a way not to get so attached to them when they cannot be actualized?
Over a spot of tea, i’d like to ask buddha: When you masturbated, what did you think about? or did you think at all?