i have a pinterest account. Well, truth be told, i have several. The one i use the most has many boards on all manner of topics, but today… i was reminded of one board in particular.
“in my parallel universe… ”
i went out to the shed in my back yard earlier today to look for a table for a diy project that D is considering. i’m tiptoing around in there (there’s a lot of STUFF in there) when i see a box… open it… and pull out a cotton wall hanging (think dorm room tapestry) in the most glorious and hideous and wondrous and loud (obnoxious comes to mind, even) colors and design.
i hold it up, bemused… and i can’t think of where or when i gathered this freaky thing but i smile. It makes me smile. i tucked it under my arm to take into the house and found myself thinking of why it was relegated to the shed in my back yard.
Her. The spawn. It’s not her fault it is in the back yard but she is the reason. She’s the reason for pieces of art or fabric or wall colors to be out-of-the question. She’s never forbidden their inclusion in my space, of course, but her level of anxiety about the things around her led me to curl up in a tighter ball when it came to indulging my fancy.
i began thinking of the things in that pinterest board… stuff that i’d love to have in my life if money were no object, if she wasn’t sharing my space, if there weren’t so many rules about what is – and is not – normal.
Since i came to Master’s collar, i’ve changed many things. Many of them to her chagrin. The pastel colors are quickly vanishing. Things that are here “just because they make me smile” are increasing in numbers.
Still… there are many things that aren’t where i want them.
The stuffed fabric fish that hang in a line with colored beads and bell? Relegated to the basement for years now.
The small collection of wooden artists mannequins were exiled to my bedroom because she hates their faceless heads.
There are projects that i will finish now, i think, because there will not be a small voice – a voice that i love and respect – saying “why are ya’ doing that, ma?”
i’m wondering now how many activities and people and experiences are going to begin to populate the “pinterest board” that is my life… now that i start inhabiting… or at least visiting my parallel universe…
i am not bitter or resentful but i am cognitive now of the volume of decisions i’ve made with her in mind. i am astonished by the things i’ve done… and not done… the fucking i’ve missed, the people who have been excluded from my space, the habits i’ve developed around her and her whims. i am all at once excited and terrified about making decisions that are just for me and not justified by her at all.
As for the cotton fabric? It’s going to be part of my shower curtain, i think. my white cotton one – that i adored – finally succumbed to multiple washings and the stress of being tugged this way and that. i priced new ones in the store and found them ridiculously expensive.
“It’s not a shower curtain” she announces… clearly perturbed by the fact that it doesn’t have the standard dimensions that all shower curtains must possess … y’know… to keep the universe from imploding.
“It will be” say i… stubbornly affixing it in place with binder clips to see how it feels to me… stepping back and snapping the above picture.
She shrugs her shoulders and shoots me a look that is part pity and part exasperation.
In my parallel universe, my inner voice proclaims, IT WILL BE (until i no longer care for it to be… and then it will be gone).