Music / Real life

so many unopened doors

6ff4fe4f990589597ace09732ae97bf7i’m in limbo this afternoon.

The halls are deserted, as are the offices; coworkers are vacationing left and right.

i’m here because the batmobile is still in intensive care. i don’t want to take the bus north all the way home just to be called back south to get the car.

i wait.

There’s a stack of work on my desk that’s barely moving, it seems, but there’s music playing and i’m having a cup of tea.

Meatloaf. Listening to meatloaf, smile, not eating it.

i feel oddly too big for my skin… itchy… claustrophobic and yet utterly untethered.  It’s not a Master want that i feel… i am secure there. It’s not my interpersonal relationships… all good on that front.

It’s all the rest. It’s money and stress and just the weight of all the crap i’m trying to balance. Juggling… treading water… none of the metaphors seem to fit. If i could scream right now i would. i settle for crying behind the closed door of my office.

i sit for a bit.

i meditate.

Not terribly successful (sit when it’s easy. sit when it’s hard)

Still waiting.

i breathe.

i do more work and then listen to “A kiss is a terrible thing to waste” and i muster a weak smile. Some of what i’m experiencing is nothing more or less than suffering. i wish it were not so. At my age – i think  – i should be in a more secure financial situation. Something as simple as a car problem shouldn’t be such an issue. Then i start going through the list of how i gave this person that much money or paid this bill for that one. i grouse to myself about the choices i made … regrets… i should have gone to college sooner. i should have fought for my house when Mr X wouldn’t leave it. i should have this and that.  If i had made different choices, i’d have two cars… and one in the shop wouldn’t matter one bit. A minor hiccup it would be.

Ah, but i don’t need two cars. i don’t actually need one, right? Lots of people live without cars. i’d like to have my car working so i can conduct my life with relative ease. Walking hurts. i’ve got massive medical debt. i’m bitching.

i realize this and yet… still i sit… angry with myself and my choices… feeling like the universe is a bully today. i’ve had enough right now, m’kay. Just stop. Stop.

if only… if only… if only…

The door is open for chrissake. i can see where i want to be. Why the hell can’t i get through the door?

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