i had my first orgasm without you, baby
i haven’t even wanted to touch myself since the last time we fucked.
Today… it had to be done. i had to feel something… anything… that would make me think that it would be okay… that it could be okay… without you.
i try to limit my blog to my side of life… try not to “out” others, and i could… i suppose… thinly veil this. i could speak about the mythical “her” or be allegorical. Stupid. That would be stupid. Anyone who knows me knows of whom i speak and so will you if you see it. i won’t talk of why or even how. i won’t speak of blame… won’t stir up the heat of discord or luxuriate in the warmth that was love. Ah, but i won’t give into the cool nothingness into which my brain would like me to retreat. i refuse to stop feeling… even though all logic screams to stop.
i’m not outing you by writing but i’m outing myself. i am gutting myself and spreading my own weakness and need all over the fucking blog today – and that’s okay – because it is my pain and i want it out. i want to see it… to read it… to taste it.
i could pretend that i don’t want you to read it, baby. i would be lying to myself if i did. Of course i want you to read it. i want you to know that i hurt but i also want you to know that i know... intellectually… that there was life before you and there will be life after you.
i don’t know how i will be okay without you – but i’m fairly certain i will be. i must be. i need to be.
SCOTUS handed down an epic (hell, we’re queer folk… we can use the word epic any fucking time we want) decision. There’s a rainbow banner across the top of the wordpress platform and FetLife flipped its white font into brightly colored letters.
i sat and read “the happy” as people celebrated our right to love and partner officially. i read the posts on fet and saw all the cute pics and spontaneous proposals flying in social media… and all i kept thinking is that months ago, you wanted to be my wife. i had been so dead-set against being anybody’s wife… and yet, i jumped head first into that pile of love and hope… and then you changed your mind. i pulled the proposal video off fet shortly after that… it killed me to see it and yet, i miss that damn thing because i could click on it and see the life we shared in black and white (and colors too… all the colors of our very own rainbow flag that we were a’flyin).
And so i laid down in the bed that you visited so often (the mattress topper is off it now, baby, stacked neatly waiting for you to get it) and i touched myself as the rain rattled in the gutter outside my window.
i dusted off a classic in my spank-bank… tried to stop my brain from thinking and my heart from feeling for just those moments.
i brought myself to the edge of joy and sorrow and just tipped right over the edge as quickly and methodically as i could.
Just so i knew i could
i guess all that’s left to do now that i’ve rubbed one out? Is to raise my glass to our equality in this… that we are, after all, like the heterosexuals… we fuck and we love and we bring great joy and sorrow to each others’ lives. We are just like everyone else and now we have the right to marry each other, baby, or not.
No. i will not die without you… i know it just feels that way right now.