Polyamory is difficult for some folks to conceptualize and impossible for many to embrace. A poem was shared with me this morning and i sat with it for a moment and smiled… it is here (A New Constellation by Marge Piercy). Those of us within the poly community call our arrangements many things: tribe, family, nest, polycule. Some embrace “relationship anarchy” and eschew labels altogether.
One of the most interesting things to me about the poly lifestyle isn’t the one that people seem to focus on when they ask us, “How do you DO it?” The “doing it” is not what is such a struggle for me. Once in it… once firmly planted in relationships… you just DO. That doesn’t make it easy, oh no… far from it. It’s work – just like any other form of relationship is work. The relationships are far more complex, of course, when they are intertwined… they spiral round each other in the most fascinating ways.
The more difficult “how do you do it?” that i pose is about the going in and the extraction from these releationships. Smile. Sounds like military operations, yes? It is the starting of new relationships… the gently folding a new person into the mix that is challenging. On the other end of the relationship? When ends come? That is difficult. Some times the relationship just peters out or shifts into something miraculously different. Other times, one union must be surgically removed… exorcised… cut out… and all you can do is hope that your poly family heals and that the person – now off in search of a better fit – is okay and knows that they were loved… perhaps still are… over there… somewhere else. The way we enter and leave relationships is far more telling of our character (in my humble opinion) than how we behave when we are comfortably within them.
Because of the life i live, because i am a kinky fuck and an ethical slut, i get to splash about in all manner of fun. Not all encounters are relationships. Not all naked-adult-fun-times go anywhere or need to go anywhere. Sometimes it really is just a slap-and-tickle. That shit is easy to process. That just IS.
Ah, but the relationships… hm.
i’m not terribly good at adding too many ingredients (or people) at once. i need to add… taste… sprinkle a bit more… taste… and that requires a certain level of attention (and energy) to myself and my partners and my potential partners. Additionally, i’m in a place right now in my life where i require growth in my unions. i don’t care if i’m establishing a fuck buddy relationship, i’m going to want to grow as a person. i’m going to want the other person (or persons) to grow as well. Otherwise? C’mon… i could just visit the swing club or rub one out… seriously.
my time… their time… that’s precious shit. i want to have a glorious time AND i want to grow.
The trick – for this bat – is that i am far too easily distracted by a desire to help and to heal… i want to save people (facepalm) and sometimes they don’t need saving. Other times they need it but don’t want it. Hell… as the old saying goes: “you can’t save a damsel in distress if the damsel doesn’t want saving”
And yet… sometimes when i meet people… the feeling is fairly immediate and potent and real.
i want to level my gaze at them… to speak clearly and calmly… i want them to know:
There is a reason why we have met in this place and in this time, fellow traveler.
We are meant to do something here together.
There is serious business afoot and work ahead.
Let’s have some fucking fun while we attend to it 😉