Real life

consequences

ladyfingeri took statistics and mastered data analysis. It is a requirement for what i do but i tend to look at quantitative analysis as a tool… a sharp and unwieldy one. i wouldn’t whip out my sawzall to cut bread, so i leave the statistical analysis packed away unless it is absolutely necessary. It’s a dangerous thing and it makes my head hurt.

i prefer qualitative work – but at heart – i remain ever a scientist. Social science is my wheelhouse. i view the world through that lens, even my personal life. It is my way to analyze and i have been guilty in the past of “paralysis by analysis” though i’m getting better at releasing that habit of overthinking.

i take baby steps.

Though i try not to be this way in everyday life, i think there’s part of me that will always be an actuary. What is the risk? What is the reward? i look at life in rows and columns. When i’ve made important life decisions (choosing grad school, moving, leaving my husband, changing jobs) i’ve made actual spreadsheets. It helps me to see the choices neatly in cells. i like boxes. i like function. i like predictability. i dig safety.

i am learning (Nod to a smart Man indeed) that “eating the orange” is so very important. i need to touch and taste and smell life and i cannot do that from within a bubble. i can’t sit on the sidelines. Life is not lived on graph paper.

i want to live with my eyes wide open but i want my heart wide open too. i am trying not to be so cautious but to be smart.

Under a blue moon last night, i shared stillness and tears and stories. i enjoyed the safety that you sink into when you meet a kindred spirit who bears similar scars to yours. Namaste. Pandora ran endlessly in the background and at one point, i turned away into my own thoughts and this song played. i went to find it today, recalling only the line “are  you breathing?” and the feelings the song elicited….the feelings it still does.

i am, indeed, breathing.

Consequences… for me… for others… i am trying to be aware but not deterred by fear of the consequences.

i don’t want to think anymore about the risk/reward ratios. i just want to curl up with a soft blanket and feel skin on skin. i want to watch a movie… and i’m craving popcorn.

Ah, but the popcorn? i think i’ll wait to share that. Ladyfingers are best shared with… well… a lady.

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