Music / Real life

kill the voices

i pulled the MOON tarot this morning, reversed.

i don’t pull every day and i do not do full readings (not my skill set) but i treat the pull as a message. It is not so much the card as it is what the card means this day… how it speaks to me. A Rorschach test of sorts in self-reflection.

i pulled up the meaning, then, as the moon only reminded me of a recent “inside joke” and i gleaned these tidbits:

you have recently experienced a time of self-deception, illusion, fears and anxiety
these negative energies are beginning to subside
dealing with some deeper emotional issues – previously beneath the surface
this has created some discomfort and turmoil as you deal with these deeper issues
 you are starting to feel as if a weight has been lifted
you can be less fearful and anxious
beginning to work through your inner fears and anxieties
understanding the impact that these have on your life
free yourself from these limiting beliefs
This can be a wonderfully liberating and transformational experience

i thought about that as i listened to the cloud and Melissa Etheridge sang about “the wanting of you.”

i sat for a moment and then as it played, i grabbed a pot of paint from the stash and a piece of paper off the shelf and made a Rorschach of my own to see what i might see.


i saw, at first glance, a corset minus the body. i saw the cups for breast and the strong laces up the back… then i snapped a picture of it and looked at it on the computer screen and then i saw the pelvic bone staring back at me.

Matters not, but both things brought the same feeling to me… the gratitude that i’ve been loosed… loosed from so many constraints of my childhood of my early adulthood. Freed from the bindings of my body and my will and my sex. Clear into my thirties, i lived a life designed by others… by my father and mother and men and the husband and the church and society. my life was about conforming as best i could and being as useful as possible to everyone so i had a place. i didn’t expend much energy in pursuit of what made me happy at all… really happy.

i am so lucky. Damn, i’m acutely aware of this.

Am i fully cooked? Hell no. Am i done growing? Not by a long stretch, but i am at a place where i’m considering my own needs to be as important as those of others. Even in service to Master, my needs are not forgotten. Personal growth is not only permitted… it is expected… it is required. The voices still plague me – blindside me on occasion, but i’m learning to turn down their volume. my recovery time has shortened when i’m triggered.

i think of others who are not so lucky as i am. At a recent dinner with TT, we talked about how difficult (impossible, even) it must have been for people “like us” to find happiness, or to safely find others “like us” years ago. It is still difficult for some to find others like them, to find acceptance and a safe place in which to flourish.

i replayed the song and thought specifically of the women i’ve known (my mother, even) who lived lives of desperate wanting and who never really escaped their particular prisons. For some of us, it’s abusive relationships… for others it is being closeted… it matters not. Sadly, many of us inhabit prisons we create for ourselves. A prison is a prison.

Sometimes, you rub up against another human and you can’t help but notice that they share the same emotional bruises as you. You compare your bruises… touch them gently at first and later – as you trust more – you may massage them relentlessly to process together, to ease their pain and make them easier to bear.  Other times, our encounters are brief (like the recent hours i shared on the side of I-71 with a single mother) and all we can offer is a bandaid of sorts… or perhaps a reminder that not everyone has an agenda… not everyone will cause pain. We see them and hold space and give them respite and then they are gone from our lives.

Today, i am grateful for all that i have… for the place and purpose i’ve found and for the people in my life (old and new) who hold space for me and challenge me to be a better me. i am also acutely aware that not everyone is so lucky and so i pause to honor those who have yet to kill the voices that plague them. We’ll be waiting… and we offer a hand… there is a place for you here.


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