Music / Real life

smile, that’s exactly what i do

i was talking online earlier with someone who’s cleaning their carpets. i cleaned mine as best i could and then gave up. i’m confident i’ll replace them or put down hard wood at some point, for now i live with f’d up floors.

i was thinking about how we try to polish our living spaces for other people. Granted, some of us will keep the tidiest house and put together a magazine-worthy home just for ourselves, but most of us think of others. We may get matchy-matchy, or … as the case is when we move to a new home or apartment, we begin talking about the new digs like they are a person. “i have to get _____ for the new place.” We don’t think… “hey, i want this for me and i’m choosing to do it now… cause i’m feeling house proud”.

It’s not a bad thing, really, unless other people are the only reason we are doing shit.

i long ago realized that my home wasn’t me but i still struggle with a lot of issues that stem from a childhood spent in less-than desirable digs. i still battle a few demons on that front. People who see how extroverted i am would likely be very surprised at how few people i have permitted in my home. Here of late, i’ve been changing that. C allowed me my first taste of sharing space – and i will always be grateful for that. Now, i am okay with having friends over without feeling like i’m naked. Hell, being naked is easier than sharing my space.

Lately, i’ve been tackling lots of home projects because, quite frankly, i could not before. i had gone from a very dark period of my life when i did not care at all … on into a period of nonstop growth when i came to Master’s Collar during which time i focused on me and not “the house”. Then, shortly thereafter, i “broke myself” and could not walk. The road back was tough and then the universe gave me a beautiful distraction and i was only to happy to luxuriate in that. i stopped putting my own needs first. Notice: i stopped. Nobody forced me to do that. i lost sight of what i wanted for me.

During my breakup, i began changing the house… first in order to shift energy… it was ritual. Then, i began thinking… if i didn’t EVER share this space with anyone again, what would make me happy? i tried out the orange bathroom. That wasn’t right. i considered finishing the bedroom in orange (something i tried out on the walls over a year ago… and never finished. Yes, i had blue and orange on the same walls all this time). Um… nope… the orange was a fun idea but not to LIVE in.

So i redid the living room and then the bathroom… and started on the kitchen. i have a damn near obsessive love with the beauty and simplicity and durability of stainless steel. So, these aren’t prison bars… but a tease for the kitchen:


Since i have to wait for destruction next week (that’s the plan in kitchen), i chose to devote some time to testing a new blue in the bedroom.

Here’s what got me to thinking about the carpet AND impressing people: the powder blue bedroom i’ve been living with for YEARS? i painted it that goddamn color for a visitor. Yes, a visitor (my aunt) who came for one weekend. She’s very particular and vocal and a bit scary at times. i painted my own bedroom to suit the tastes of someone who spent two nights there… or was it three? Someone who does not live here for Christ’s sake.

Um… hello?

Blue is a good bedroom color but blue has never been my favorite color at all. Still, because i have some blue textiles and because i know what the color does psychologically, i went in search of a deep, rich, gray toned blue… something akin to the sky as it darkens… a dusky blue. i found a color called “perfect storm” and somehow, that clicked. And so… i put enough up on the walls just now to decide if it is a keeper… i think it will be…  though it’s wet in the picture and of course it will dry flat.

bedroom blue

Hmmmm… blue sky indeed… blue skies, even.

From soft and emotionless powdery blue to a rich color i can sink my teeth into… so to speak… um… yeah.

So… the take home message for me today? Continue to remind myself that i don’t need to be so fucking concerned about what anyone else thinks about my house. If having people over helps give me incentive to complete a project i wanted to do for myself? If it helps me stop procrastinating or gives me the push to try something? More power to me, but don’t… i repeat DON’T change my space for anyone else. If it scares the shit out of someone that i can rip open a wall without even blinking and look at studs for a bit? Too bad. So sad. Or leave…. seriously… because, to quote Eddie Murphy:

i’ll still do my best to make people feel welcome, of course, but not by sacrificing my own happiness or routine. Well, smile, except for ice. i’ve started making ice cubes again cause baby likes water… and ice. But that ain’t no big thing 😉

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