Music / Real life

i sailed my ship of safety till i sank it

bugOne of the most miraculous (unexpected… how could i have anticipated it?) things that Master has brought to my life is the realization that there are no easy answers. Hell, sometimes there are no answers to be had at all.

Do i still chart things? Yes. Do i look for answers? Hell yes… but there are things in life that just happen. There is no rhyme or reason… there may be no “greater purpose” or plan behind them… just a bit of chaos, a hint of pain or terror, or even a wondrous encounter. We walk and along the path we may fuck and breed or create in other ways. We feel pleasure and pain. We feel love swell within us and we watch it ebb away or simply be snatched from us. Our friends and family members fill us with pride or disappoint us and it is… just life.

i won’t stop researching – i love that shit. i won’t stop trying to make sense of the things people do. As critters, we are fascinating. i will, however, continue to grow in the direction i found in His Leather…  realizing that all the safety equipment slows me down on my journey and that most of it is pure bullshit.  All the armor… all the weapons on board… all of the shields and bells and whistles might have protected me from pain but they also kept me solidly encased and untouchable. i am so glad i left that way of being… and i remind myself of that when i am scared and wish to retreat to such a place again.

i remember once… Him telling me that i could not live by a spreadsheet. Spreadsheets are productive and rational and safe… but that is not living fully. In His collar, i have become so much more open to people and experiences. This means that i can often content myself with experiencing the experience rather than always feeling i must always create it. When i met S, my bat-brain started analyzing the pros and cons and then… i stopped. Did all sense fly out the window? Nope. Am i still a rational bitch? Yup, but fuck it…  i decided to experience this.

S is helping me appreciate some things that i had long stopped paying attention to and that is delightful to me. i told her weeks ago that i knew she would help me grow in this way. i saw it in her photos. She finds the sweetest moments and the loveliest things in nature. She sees the spark of love and life in people that are often overlooked as well. That is goodness. i look for the little “bugs” along the way now with an odd fascination. They are as much a part of this life as we are, after all.

Master… i borrow from their song and nod… You have helped me take the silly stuff less seriously and enjoy the real shit.

i hear You say “be now” as they sing “it’s only life after all”

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