Music / Real life

When I’m Deep Inside of Me

DSC_0354AI’m on the INTROvert end of my omnivert continuum these days.

I can spend most of my time happily in my own shit, and it’s not just work and my interpersonal relationships that are taking me into that headspace.

I’m self-reflexive these days.

It has been a changing year all ’round. I began the year in one primary relationship and I’ll end the year with someone else. Both relationships… contributing to who I am and who I am becoming. Ah, but that’s just part of the equation. I recently begged for release from Master’s collar and was granted that release. Big changes, Big, HUGE.

My memories still burn at times. In my rearview mirror, I see searing flame and flash of steel. I hear growls of victory and whimpers of defeat. I have struggled with that awareness. I became accustomed to that… to that type of hot and nearly rabid interaction. I took it and I gave it. I wondered what life would be like without it. What I found was altogether different… delicious and passionate but not in a way that consumes. And I realized I don’t want to be consumed now. I love the passion that sweet S brings but I savor the calm that rides beneath its surface. When her teeth flash, I’ve no fear that my jugular will be laid bare. I want to burn but I don’t want to be reduced to ash.

I want to be loved. I want passion… hell yeah… I want to be fucked. I want to laugh and cry. I’m a lucky, lucky bat. I get all of that. But most of all, i want – no – I need honesty and trust. Oh, so very much do I need that. I never realized just how important those things were to me until I was drenched in something else. Ah, but I am grateful for all of the experiences I’ve had because each and every good and bad experience helped me understand who I am and what I want and need.

My life is blessed with passion and purpose. I’m getting more honest with myself, too. I’m learning what makes me tick. This is goodness. As I begin to learn myself again, I slip into arms that circle me with lust and love. I look into eyes that twinkle “not-so-vanilla my dear” and I enjoy the candor we bring to our relationship. In this, I feel as if I’ve received an awesome bonus from the Universe.

I’m stretching out into my skin – unowned by Him – to see what it feels like to once again make choices with only my will for direction. This is an interesting time, to be certain. I’m no longer silenced by any real or perceived guidelines for speech or action. I can say what I choose to say – with just my own moral compass to point the way. No longer wearing anyone else’s Leather, I am forced to look at what I wish my life to be – what I want – what I need – what I will and will not do… what type of life I wish to create for myself. Here. Now.

I’m drafting my new list of wants, needs, desires and along with those? My list of non-negotiable stuff. Honesty and trust. I need to trust my friends and family and lovers. I want to trust my colleagues and associates. I offer honesty and I expect it. That trust extends to not only the obvious agreements and contracts we make with one another. The kind of honesty I require (and offer) is the kind that walks moment-by-moment with us. No stored up bullshit, no punitive attacks, just candor and respect with a good dose of patience.

This post runs the risk of feeling passive aggressive, so let me state emphatically: People can read. The people I’m writing about can read. I’m not going to type out my feelings and click POST and pretend that they won’t read this. So, I lay it all out – to be read or not read – but as a statement to myself. A battle cry – as it were – to my own inner soldiers.

I won’t tolerate any less in my friends or lovers than I need. I will not give up my needs to satisfy the wants or desires of any other person – not even my own child.

I may be hurt and there are scars, but I ain’t mad atcha. I don’t need or want apologies for past fuck-ups. I won’t accept promises of “better” or tolerate bad actions with underlying good intentions. I do not owe anyone a single solitary thing – save myself. If I’ve felt duplicity in dealings with someone or been treated less-than-honorably in the past, I will leave it to them to show me something different if they choose but I won’t hold my breath. I may occasionally glance over to watch as an ex lives their life. I will cheer when shit goes right for them and I will feel twinges of sadness when I see them struggling. I loved them, after all. I cannot pretend that I do not care. Ah, but that is the beginning and the end of it. I will not offer second chances, because “second chances” are not mine to give… people deem themselves worthy of second chances. I am not obligated to take on risks with my spiritual or emotional health in the balance. I have struggled a great deal with this recently… wondering if I’m a bad person if I don’t reopen doors. No. I am not a bad person. I simply value myself more than I once did.  Some doors will remain firmly closed, others will be left ajar, some may fling wide open when the time is right – but I don’t owe anyone access to me.

I need honesty and respect.
I say this unapologetically.
I deserve honesty and respect and I will surround myself with people who are willing and able to share that with me.

That is all.

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