Real life

Catalyst

On occasion, people will say, “bat, you are an instigator”

Guilty as charged. i can be a bit of a shit-stirrer, though i’d like to believe that i stir the pot in a good way rather than a bad… i try.

i often reply that i’m more of a facilitator.  i like to “make” folks do what they really want to do to begin with… when it is good… when it seems beneficial… productive. It’s less about making them do something and more about persuading, supporting, etc.

i’m also pretty good at hooking people up for all manner of things. Again, less about forcing a change and more about bringing together forces.

Last night, i engaged in conversation with some folks and today, one posted to fet that the conversation had been “a catalyst for a much needed discussion”

i paused upon reading that and thought… y’know, that’s a pretty damn good thing… to be part of any sort of positive outcome.

Then i cocked my head to one side and reflected on that word… catalyst. i actually looked it up to try to wrap my mind around the goodANDbad vibe i was getting from it.

catalyist

This has nothing to do with the person who spoke it, mind you, but rather my own internal dialogue after. It was the static nature of the catalyst definition that gave me pause, i believe. i don’t like to think of myself as static… unchangeable… and yet, in some cases i am. i should be. i don’t care to change my core beliefs – my moral center – my fundamental ethical bend.

Yet, as i read the definition, i thought to myself that much of my life HAS been lived in a static sort of way. i am very good at putting people together, and bringing people “out” and yet… i often do so with a very nice, safe, distance between me and that change. i often step out of people’s lives after they react to my presence. Exit stage left.

That may or may not be fair to them, but i’m fairly certain it isn’t fair to me.  For all of my social interaction, i think that the fundamental parts of bat are still fairly solitary, guarded.  A bridge may join two sides but the bridge doesn’t benefit much in that equation.

Today is thanksgiving. Master wrote, telling me to write ten things i was thankful for. i did so in the order they came to mind and i stopped at 10 (i’m sure i could have gone on and on). Master made number 2 (my spawn took the number one spot). That’s not surprising to me, but what IS interesting to me as i review what i quickly wrote was why

IMAG1726

There is room for growth here – lots of growth, but He has helped me unlock so much of who i am… and that is something for which i am eternally grateful. i’m trying to let down some of those walls… to be a greater part of the world outside my skin – outside my mind. i like who i am becoming… part instigator, part facilitator, and yes… someone who can hopefully introduce catalysts without becoming one herself.

No music link today. Today, the soundtrack of my life is the hum of the furnace and eggs boiling on the stove… coughing from downstairs… a bit of wind at the door. It is a good day – not perfect – but i am very grateful to be here.

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